Though Life be Wrenched Away

It was inevitable really. In spite of all of my training, there are the ones that get to you. Lately there has been so much to celebrate with new life and new faces and ministry popping with vitality. Yesterday was one of those standing on the top of the world days where everything just seemed to be right. The baby being baptized did not cry, she was adorable. The young boy being baptized was beaming. The people who have not been in worship for awhile seemed to be there. And there were lots of visitors too. The organ soared and we sang those great favorites with tears in the eyes of elders and new music that brought delight. And it was almost like people hated to let go of it all.
But as I moved to the back of the church in the last hymn ( A Mighty Fortress, of course), there sitting in the corner crying was one of my parishioners. One of my new parishioners. Who had jumped in whole hog with Wednesday nights. And was so excited. A couple months ago she was not feeling well, and after a lot of tests, I had been with her on the day they told her a diagnosis. Because she had no one else.
But then things were moving forward with treatment options and she had a positive surge of energy and hope. But then, yesterday came. And she shared that her most recent results were not good, in fact they were very frightening. And there are four sites. And it all seems more than tenuous. And she is bereft and terrified, as the congregation is still singing its heart out. We hug for a long time but she needs to go, and as I turn to be ready for the post worship throng I realize we are in that last stanza and I cannot sing it. I lost my voice at "though life be wrenched away..."
And as I have thought about why that is, there is of course my affinity for this person, and the sadness of where the journey has brought her. But there is also a part of me that grieves the fact that so many of my people just can't catch a break. And that those great words of "the kingdom's ours forever" seem at times so elusive. And if I am being honest there is even that little part of me that says- if they all keep dying, how long will this live? It's selfish, I know.
And in truth, I have no idea where the road will go in my own life, in ministry, but I do believe God is in it and that joy and sorrow dance together.
And then I found myself thinking that I sure needed everything that happened before that moment- when it all really did feel real.
Because of everywhere we will go next- and the fact I will wrestle with boundaries- how much to do for someone who has no one. Knowing that another person wants to come and tell me about their funeral this week because they are unwell. And that I have not one but many parishioners in their 90's, but I also minister with many who are much younger but for whom disability, cancer and poverty coalesce. And I mourn their losses. As I try to be present with the person who thought God would cure them, or strength would return, or time would not be cruel.
And while I try to approach everyone with equanimity, there are some who just burrow in deeper. And I know God will give what I need for this journey but I also know that to not speak of my own sorrow would only increase it. So here are the words of Barlow Girl, using words in part found on a wall at Auschwitz



How long will my prayers seem unanswered?
Is there still faith in me to reach the end?
I'm feeling doubt I'm losing faith
But giving up would cost me everything
So I'll stand in the pain and the silence
And I'll speak to the dark night
I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe
Though I can't see my stories ending
That doesn't mean the dark night has no end
It's only here that I find faith
And learn to trust the one who writes my days
So I'll stand in the pain and the silence
And I'll speak to the dark night I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent

No dark can consume Light
No death greater than this life
We are not forgotten
Hope is found when we say
Even when He is silent
I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I believe.