Keep Following, Keep Listening

Listen!

From the very beginning of Mark, we’re compelled to listen. To the voice of the one crying in the wilderness, to the voice of God proclaiming at Jesus’ baptism, “You are my Son, in whom I am well pleased.” To listen to Jesus as he calls the disciples saying, “Follow me and I will transform your lives.” But after that it gets hard. Hard to know what to listen to and to figure out what Jesus means. He makes unclean spirits listen and be gone, heals the sick, lepers, the paralyzed and blind, in entire towns and regions, and He gets really popular. His followers listen to the demands of the people for more-"let’s stay and be celebrities." But Jesus says “Listen- we have other places to go.”

He gathers people to eat with him and listen to his teaching, while the powers that be and those who fear him, refuse to listen and try to get others to stop listening. Yet, he calls more disciples and transforms them to carry out his work, even though they’re not quite sure they get what they’re listening to. At one point, confused people wonder if maybe Jesus is really the devil. Rather than listen to him even his own family worries and tries to carry him away thinking he’s lost it.  But he keeps teaching, sometimes in stories that begin by saying “Listen.”

After he commands a storm to listen, he asks his frightened disciples in the boat, “Why are you so scared? Haven’t you been listening? ” But his hometown rejects him, and the prophet who proclaimed him is killed. Maybe it is Jesus who should listen and lay low, but he goes on- feeding thousands, walking on water, healing not only Jews but others and continuing to say, “Listen.”

But is it any wonder, with all of the competing voices, the disciples whose lives are being transformed feel like they are racing to keep up? On any given day, you could never be sure where the road would go next. It’s hard to get what it’s all about.

Even though everything Jesus is doing is what he meant when he first got them to listen, saying-“follow me and we’ll transform lives.”

 So Jesus does a reality check, asking them- “what’s the word on the street?” They repeat well what they’ve been listening to in the crowds. And he responds-“OK, but how closely have you been listening to ME? Who am I to YOU?” Peter proclaims, “You are the Messiah!” And given all the buzz-worthy events this ought to be the turning point. Now it'll be power and fame and glory. Stories that’ll be told in history-“Listen, as I tell you how we were with him in the early days. We took a chance and got in at the right time.”

Instead, Jesus says, “You’re right, this is the turning point, but listen-I will die because of this truth.” And this isn’t at all what they want to listen to.

This is the big picture of everything that happens leading up to what we hear in the Gospel this day. And given the disciples continual disconnect, Jesus could’ve decided to start over with better followers. Instead Jesus keeps leading and takes his closest ones up the mountain and there in the silence, transformation happens before their eyes.  They see him with Moses and Elijah- so he isn’t one of them, and he’s blindingly bright. They’re baffled.

He looks like God, but they know if they look on God directly they’ll die. God needs to hide in a cloud or a bush or something. Perhaps nervously, Peter says “Hey! I’ve got an idea! Let’s stay here and hang out with Moses and Elijah. And Jesus, did I mention you are a GREAT Rabbi?” Maybe they even wonder if they are alive now or dead. They had every right to be terrified. It’s hard to imagine standing there in this moment that drives them toward the answer to the question everyone has been asking- “who is this?” Jesus is the chosen Son of God.

And this is the turning point. Because everything that follows will reveal what Jesus is chosen for and how far God’s transformation will go.

To even begin to respond to what that means for them,  they need to hear the directive God speaks that overpowers the confusion-“Listen!”

 Because then the moment is over. One little glimpse of glory before back down the mountain, still trying to figure it out. On a road with twists and turns, and times they’ll forget to listen, or be confused, or scared, or doubt. Just like us.

At best we get little glimpses of God’s presence on a journey that we can’t really fathom. We speak of an amazing and powerful God, but it’s hard for us to grasp what it means, or to go where God’s transformation is leading. And with all the competing voices, frankly, we wish we had a little more to work with, as we fight the feeling of staying put. And our fears, our interests, our desires tell us not to listen to the will of God, or we at least convince ourselves that what we want is God’s will. And yet... we want to truly follow. We really do.

To sort out what it all means, we continue to need God to overpower the confusion- and we need to listen. Thomas Merton captures this with these words:

MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing .I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And…that you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.

The gospel for us this day is not only that Jesus was revealed to be the Son of God. But that Jesus repeatedly labors, walking with us, leading us to understanding. To get us to listen, saying- “follow me and not the crowd.” “Don’t be afraid, I am with you.” And across Scripture, this is God’s story-  continuing to choose and stay with people like us-who for every moment of “getting it” have lots of moments of lost, afraid and doubting and times of asking- “ you want me to do what?!” God continues to choose us, to lead us and to teach us. Transforming us to be more like the image of the Son. With a love and grace and patience that will go all the way to the cross.

As we prepare to enter the season of Lent, God is calling us again to deepen this relationship and our understanding. To continue to be transformed by listening. God knows we continue to wrestle with how to respond.

Our questions remain-“Who is Jesus?” “What’s it really all about for us?” “How can I know?” “How can we do that?”

To all these age old questions, God’s answer continues to be-“Look to my Son. Don’t be afraid, I'm here."

Keep following.

Keep listening.

AMEN

Am I Worth It? Is anyone listening ?

I have found that as often as I help others to see God, there the moments where I am amazed at the God at work in others. One example of this came when I visited Mary. Chronically ill with COPD, CHF and Lupus-any one of these would be enough to bear. She was having a bad day and was very tearful. As we talked about her feelings, her tears were not for what the future would hold or where she would be, but in the missing of people who she so deeply loves in this life. She shared how her one daughter was never emotionally expressive, and even into adulthood had never expressed love toward her mother as a hug or embrace. It was only since Mary has been sick, and her granddaughter asked “Mommy, why don’t you ever hug Mimi (her nickname for her grandmother)? As Mary tells it, her daughter was so struck by this, that she came over and hugged her mother for the first time in memory. A new pattern has now taken root. Mary tells me that even though her illnesses are a lot to bear, she would live every moment of them again just for that gift. She went on to tell me about her other daughter who is deaf. When her daughter was growing up, someone was talking about a person who died as “being called home by God.” She communicated with her mother, in great fear. She had literally interpreted someone hearing God call to them. “I can never go to heaven because I will not be able to hear God.” Mary shared that she told her daughter, “We hear God with our hearts not our ears.” Mary had never heard this, she says, and has no other idea how it came to her to say this but for a loving God using her to reassure her child.I sat in awe as she shared this story.
In several of my encounters this week, the theme seemed to be people needing to be heard, and loved and to know that they are worth it.
The young wife of an abusive substance abuser who is in the Trauma Neuro Unit. He rode his moped into an electric fence while intoxicated at a level approaching comatose. She is frustrated and feeling disrespected. She is trying everything she can to help him turn around. She is the only one trying and it is sinking in. She is juggling what she thinks faith demands and what her head tells her is reality about their relationship. She is thinking this may be a time to regroup while he is here in the hospital, but wonders if she can. When he checks himself out AMA, she is there to pick him up. I pray for them as they are leaving to walk their hard journey.
The woman who has survived ten gunshot wounds who reveals that has tried three times in the past to kill herself, but now when someone tried to kill her she realized she wants to live, but hopes God still loves her even though she has not been who she should be.A woman who knows she needs to start a new life in a new place to be safe.

The patient who is being emotionally abused by her adult son who lives with her, but sees only that she must return to this toxic environment. She needed someone to give her permission to change. Even when this happens, she is not sure she should. ”I need to go to counseling- maybe that is the answer”, as if there is a magic thing she can do. Change takes strength. Even if life is bad, it is predictable. Fear of the vast unknown. But she ends up leaving with him against all advice.
The woman on IICU who has rarely been visited has a vent so she cannot speak, only mouth words. She has been called "difficult." I read lips pretty well so I take a shot at it. Between reading lips and a note pad we do pretty well and begin to see her regularly. One day I was unable to visit, because she was asleep. I should have left a card, but I did not. The next time I came she had tears in her eyes. I asked her if something had upset her and she mouthed,” I thought you forgot about me.” I explained what had happened and told her that if I came to visit and she was not awake, I would leave a note for her.
As these people thank me for listening to them, being with them and praying with them, I am keenly aware that the pattern in their lives is that they are not being listened to, and they have perhaps come to expect that they are not worth the time.

I spent an afternoon hearing about perinatal loss.I find it refreshing that perspectives are changing about an issue that has been significant in my life and the lives of my friends. One of my friends learned that her baby was anencephalic and could not live. She and her husband were also told that she could die trying to deliver since the skull would collapse. She had to travel to terminate the pregnancy, a begin to mourn this loss on many levels. It was compounded by her family’s response- several of them did not talk to her for years and called her “killer.” I remember many conversations about what God expected. For myself, the near loss of our daughter was more traumatic than most else in my life. The hospital wanted to spare us the pain in case she died, so they did not give her name to the newspaper- her birth was never announced. Hearing “oh, dear, everything will be fine” from a pastor who just did not want to think about the alternative was painful. Both my friend and I wondered if there was anyone willing to listen to our real stories.

I am continuing to process the events in the life of my friend with terminal cancer. She is not only a friend of 19 years, and a member of my church, and a client, she is one of the people who encouraged me to explore whether I was being called to ministry. After the initial wave of shock and pain, I have realized she will not see my ordination. I have visited as a chaplain, as a supplement to our pastors and Sunday administered communion carefully- swallowing is a problem, so a little bit of wafer in a little bit of wine on the end of a spoon. For now her seizures have stopped and she is somewhat more alert, but this glimmer will not last. The family persists in a mode of positive fighting for life. Even as four stage 4 metastatic cancers wield their power. They do not want the parish to know. So we minister to them in a kind of secrecy.
My friend is not always oriented in reality and conversations may involve a few repetitive phrases. She is starting to lose her hearing in addition to her memory. But I am sure she can hear God with her heart. And God is saying to her and to each of these, " I love you and you are worth it."

So How Is CPE Going?

As I began this first week of involvement with the CPE program our Regional Trauma Center , I entered the program with excitement for the learning and the meeting of new people. I also was anxious about what participation in group would be like given some of the “war stories” others had shared with me. I was concerned about remembering the details and protocols. I was worried about my sufficiency to meet the needs of those with whom I would come in contact.
I have been pleased to get to know my fellow team members, and supervisor, as well as the residents, staff and chaplain associates. There is diversity of backgrounds, personalities and faith traditions which has allowed me to have greater insight into my team and their experiences as they relate them. I have valued hearing the paths my team mates have taken to get to this place and time. Hearing these stories aids me in knowing their approaches more fully. The sharing has at times been very personal, both in terms of life experience but also in terms of vocation and discernment. It is a comfort to me to know there is much in common. I sense that our relating these things in community has facilitated the ability to bounce ideas off of one another about practice- I do not feel unable to seek feedback or ask questions. Several others have echoed their appreciation of this openness as well. In my first vocation, I was trained to speak for others. Advocacy was not in the first person. Statements were rarely about myself. While advocacy is a skill, I have had to re-orient my speaking to using first person statements. This is something that requires re-tooling my process away from past usage. I am working with this, so perhaps by the end of CPE, my supervisor will not have to ask about my pronoun choice. While I know there will be times when I am greatly challenged, my perception of the ethos of the group does not jive with the “war stories” I was told. There is a pastoral quality about our conversations in group that I feel is affirming and supportive. I am relieved.
Learning all of the forms, processes, protocols, 8 floors, etc. is coming along. I am not a detail person and tend to over-prepare to compensate. I am aware that this is my style of dealing with anxiety, and is also part of my first vocation where I was expected to have the answer and make quick decisions and judgments. I have been weaning myself away from all of the forms and examples I was carrying “just in case” and for a couple of days had the word “ASK” written on my binder in order to remind myself to not make assumptions or just jump right in. Also it served as a reminder that I can ask rather than worry about large quantities of information. I have also noticed that different people have different styles of handling certain paperwork and other things. I am exploring which of these is best for me.
Something as simple as what I carry with me was a trial and error process. At this point, I have put together what allows me to carry things without them flying everywhere, have what I need to streamline my reporting after responding to a patient need, without carrying extra or unnecessary things. I prefer to not have to run back and forth to the CPE office and to write details while they are still fresh. I know this will not always be possible. By keeping the basics to accomplish this as much as possible, it allows me to put the administrative aside, and enter a room “present” to the person I am seeing. I also find that by stopping at the station where the chart is located, I not only can see what may be going on for the patient, but I can center myself before entering. These are ways I have reduced my concern about paper and protocol so I can focus on caring for people.
Finally, I was worried about my sufficiency to offer people what is needed. Part of this worry is that I tend to be a “do-er” rather than someone can “be.” I tend to try to fix things and to seek answers. The story about the fantasy verbatim with Eeyore’s tail hit home for me. How I saw this play out this week was my concern over having the right things to say or carry with me. Knowing that I struggled with this dynamic I asked for help before visiting on my own. I am grateful that I could engage in role play and my supervisor was willing to do a visit for me to observe. This allowed me to pick up some useful pointers but it also reassured me that my fear of the unknown and lack of confidence was exaggerated. Even though I knew this, I needed some reassurance. I also have found listening to others experiences as well as de-briefing my own offers insight and support. I can pick up useful tips from others. From my past vocation I had learned that there was not a limit to the variety of family dynamics and issues. I was reminded of this during the week and while my approach to situations is from a different perspective, my prior life experience can be informative so long as I do not choose to focus on “been there, done that” in place of listening.
My prior training in listening was to very different purposes. I am aware that I need to redirect the purposes of asking and listening. “Why do I want to ask this question?” I am going to read more about reflective listening with a goal of developing this skill more fully and setting aside my prior framework of asking and listening. I am telling myself that “what facts do I need to know” should not be running through my mind, nor should “ I know what I want to tell you.” These concepts, while useful in my past, as opposed to “ what do you need” and “ what are you sharing?” During this week, one of the team was expressing frustration that his visits were short because no one wanted to talk about faith and he had no purpose. Hearing this allowed me to see “doing” aspects in another- this mirrored for me what I might need to keep in mind. In the light chatting that the patients sometimes offer, I am looking for ways to explore why their statements are important to them- how can they be affirmed, what are concerns, how are they perceiving and experiencing events in their lives. Several of the patients I have visited are eager for a person who will just sit and listen. Being in the hospital one can be surrounded by lots of people and yet be very alone and isolated. There is a great buzz of activity, but it is right outside the door and no one has time to just talk.
I have been amazed at the great insight and faith of some of the patients I have visited. I have also been saddened when I cannot offer more to someone in need. But I am cognizant of the fact that no one visit by anyone can suddenly make everything better given the issues faced by people in the hospital. Just being here shifts the landscape, and takes away frameworks the patient has in his or her life on multiple levels.
I know that I have only observed one trauma alert and the thing that is still in my mind is having to be the person handling the trauma call. Part of this concern is in the unknown of the process. I noticed that the one trauma alert, which was fairly mild in terms of bodily injury did not have the drama I might think of from watching “ER” or “House.” As a lawyer, I was always amazed at how people perceived what it meant to go to Court based upon war stories and TV. I have now been confronted with how that has been a part of my thinking regarding healthcare. While there will be times of great trauma, there will also be many other times where the tone is lessened. But for the patient who is experiencing the event, and the family or loved ones, they too may be bringing not only the physical aspects of injury, and the suddenness of it all, but all of their preconceived notions of what Emergency Department means- these will play on the responding family’s mind until they get here and beyond. Being attuned to my own preconception I hope will help me walk with them in their anxieties and offer what I can to aid them, knowing there will be no magic solution.
“So how does your faith help you in these times?” Probably I should ask myself this question as much I might ask it of others. I hope that I remember this as much as anything else so that I do not artificially place too much on myself and so that I can remain in both worlds.