Saturday, June 30, 2007
The Waiting is the Hardest Part
So, I have been hard at work reading how to "Ace Grammar" to be ready for Greek, and learning my new notebook computer, and having lots of pastors tell me about a book or two, or more that I just HAVE to read. And in the midst of this, something totally unexpected. A suspicious mammogram. Totally not prepared for this. Now on the eve of the family vacation I find myself getting the referral forms from my doctor for diagnostic testing to determine the status of calcification on not one, but both sides. I come to learn that calcification will not usually be detected but through a mammogram. A year ago, there was nothing. Getting on my soapbox for a moment, this is ABSOLUTELY why women must have a mammogram every year- not everything can be detected by you! But, coming back to my tale, I need this testing soon, which has been defined as 18 days from now. As Tom Petty sings, "The Waiting is the Hardest Part." So I know nothing about calcification but while I wait for my doctor to get back from vacation, I learn that there are two kinds, macrocalcification ( which is rarely a concern) and microcalcification which is of concern because it is little spots of calcium that if they get into a cluster can be cancer. I have microcalcification. Hence new diagnostic testing, imaging, and possibly needle biopsy. And more waiting. But I am supposed to be starting seminary, this is God's plan, I say. If we are honest, even what we feel called to do, becomes "my plan" at some level. How dare something like breast cancer potentially wreck "my plan." And what about our kids, and what about what you would miss if the worst came to pass? I tell myself that this experience, even if it turns out to be nothing more than a test that turns out fine, will help me know what someone else is experiencing, and will allow me to be more pastoral someday, God willing. So, today, one day after getting the news that something could be something or it could be nothing, I assisted at a funeral. Resurrection victory notwithstanding, there was a moment where I caught my breath looking at the casket. But I am trying not to get ahead of myself. Be not afraid. Most of the time I can stick with that. In the meantime, I need to live life and enjoy that family vacation, and pray that God's hand is upon us.